Nathan

A friend from my university community committed suicide last week. It caught me off-guard in almost every way. Work was very difficult as I tried to sort out my feelings and thoughts on the matter and I found it impossible to concentrate or devote any time to planning lessons. I know that nobody ever really expects these things, but in this case it was much more than a surprise. It has shattered even my most skeptical views of the whys and hows. I thought that I had come to terms with death and tragedy, understanding that terrible things happen to random people in this life and that it's just how the world is. There were even a number of times growing up when I was forced to confront the reality of suicide. None of these thoughts and justifications prepared me for this. He was strong and warm and was a source of wisdom and comfort even for his casual acquaintances. He was intelligent and driven to discover and expose injustice. He made me feel welcome from the first time we met and it took me a long time to feel worthy even to be his friend. He was a model for behavior, for success, for attitude, for hospitality, for love and for friendship.

The question ‘why?’, then, goes far deeper than ‘why, when there are so many other options?’… I very rarely experience something that I cannot find an explanation for. I can’t even remember if I’ve ever felt this confused and bewildered by something that has happened. The injustice of it is more complex than my thoughts can discern and I am humbled into silence whenever I try to form an opinion. At one moment I’m stricken with grief at the thought of his hidden sadness and the next my head spins with rage at the potential and beauty that is lost. I recall different situations where he was around and how in every one of them he held everyone's respect. I think of that potential for good that could have changed the world if anything could have inverted as a shockwave that will penetrate the hearts of thousands and force so many to reexamine so much of themselves. It is a crisis as much as it is a tragedy, but what is there to do? Nothing can change what has been done, but things cannot go on until it is determined what can be learned from this. I don’t hope to understand it, but I must still somehow understand what I think and feel about it. If I cannot, then how will I know when to fear for my friends and when to trust that things are alright? How am I to accept that He will not put us through more than we can bear?

This experience has yanked me out of feeling like life is a changeless unreality by confronting me with something that is unbearable not because it is boring or monotonous, but because it is incomprehensible. An unforeseen danger has robbed so many of a friend and the world of one of the brightest hopes for our generation. This danger is a sickness that we can no longer confine to the chemically imbalanced few, but must admit is a part of us all. If there is anything that I have been able to understand from this so far, it is the importance of sharing our weaknesses and struggles with others. It is obvious now that even the strongest and the best must do this or they risk losing everything. I will miss him and grieve for the promising life that was lost so needlessly.